Our church has pretty much become my life for the last two years, and despite the fact that it was hard work and really difficult at the end in a very not-fun way, it's been hard for me to let go. Realizing that a lot of that is because the moderator role was one that was defining me for that time really helped. I'm prone to living for others and others' needs.
So the real question for me to let go was, "What do *I* need and what do I really want to do now?"
Luckily, I seem to have been accumulating experience at answering these questions along the course of my life, and that experience seems to be standing me in good stead now. And I think that I finally realize just how important it really is that I figure out how to define myself independent of someone else's needs.
I went for a walk. *laughs* I went to the local coffee shop this morning, and did nothing but watch the sky. A storm was rolling in from the West, over the mountains, and the clouds were gorgeous and swirling and blue along the horizon and nearly pure whites and almost pink grays above my head. And I took pictures and didn't think about anything other than the shapes and colors and sheer lovely chaos of how the clouds blended with the sky and each other's layers.
I haven't been able not-think like that for most of the last several months. At all. Which is disconcerting to realize. I do that kind of observational mindfulness whenever I am painting, and there has been too much on my plate and in my head for that to happen for way too long.
I realized that part of what I'm for is to actually see the sky That Way, and to think about capturing it and the blue line of rain off in the distance on a painting.
There was another meeting yesterday that helped more people understand the whole pictures, and the consultant actually contacted me this morning about the next deliverable, which I was more anxious about then I wanted to be. So I could let go of that, too.
That was good. I'm realizing that consciously dealing with my anxieties helps. And that it doesn't have to be under my control for me to be at peace with it. The consulting piece is with the consultant, the bowl judgment is up to the committee, but my part of both was done.
So I was able to go to Que's coffee house, enjoy my Americano with a barista who actually pulls a pretty good shot (not my usual from Rob the owner, but a woman who has been pulling pretty good shots all along, Jenna), do a medium difficult Sudoku in the time it took me to drink my coffee, and then walk home again...
And once home I dug compost into the sugar snap pea bed, cut aspen roots out of said bed, got inoculate into it for the legume roots, and then planted sugar snap peas, all while the wind blew and the skies got even grayer. I even watered the bed because it's Colorado and just because there is rain visible on the horizon does not mean that it's actually going to make it here.
Normally, I'd been playing my Regrowth Minecraft game, or TF2 and I'm figuring out that those were to mask all the thinking that was going on. There's a lot. And the immediate games with immediate goals really helps me concentrate on something and achieve something that doesn't take a huge amount of effort. I've also scheduled time with my therapist to just deal with the morass of emotional stuff that is just going to take some digging and dealing.
So I'm lining things up to help me actually heal and recoup energy and mind space to try and tackle the "What's Next?" question.
Home life with Jet and John has been really good. There's a new mall that is being built really close to us, and there have been a good dozen or two new restaurants settling into the sparkling buildings, so John and I have been trying them whenever Jet has dinner already served to him at Youth Group or other activities. Most of it has been okay, but not great, as most of them are chain restaurants, but last night, John and I found Fuzzy's Taco's and for the price, they are actually really good. The Barracha beans really reminded me of our neighbor Alma's homemade beans, and the tempura fish taco was crisp and tender and amazingly good. The beef brisket taco was juicy and tasty too, and John really enjoyed his shrimp taco and spicy pork (flavorful spicy not burn your face off spicy) taco, too.
We'll have to go back to there. Especially since they sold me a souvenir cup for my pop that gets refilled for half the price. *laughs*