I felt terrible yesterday. A consultant had come in to talk with us about what we're doing about a particular project, and she's probably my age. PhD in Cognitive Psychology. Running her own business, was a manager of a whole team that did what she does now, and filled with stories about all the ways she's doing it. I envied her, terribly, badly, painfully, and stupidly. So much experience, so much drive, drive, drive to further her career, to sell her skills, and this drive to push her job that next step and do that next thing and discover that next idea.
I hated myself for not being more like her. For staying with the dead-end jobs because they were comfortable and they were something I liked doing. Heh. For deciding, time and time again, that career wasn't as important as being happy, comfortable, or loving someone with more of my time. It was a really odd place to be, emotionally. Because when I really thought about it, I did all those decisions for utterly the right reason in my book. They're all decisions I made because I chose something I valued more than a fabulous career.
And it didn't really matter to me what else she did or didn't have in her life. The comparison wasn't the thing, really. I had to sit and really think about it and think through the knee-jerk reaction of "I should have been there..." and get through it all.
I bowed out of the all-day meeting, after just two and a half hours of it. Better to do that, and just let the others carry it that didn't have the emotional burden. And I let Jet be my excuse. I thought about it, wrote about it, and figured out that I am entirely jealous; but it's okay, and in really thinking it through, I made the choices that were right for me.
Today helped. Being back in my groove, doing all the things I'm capable of doing, and getting volunteered for things because folks knew that I'd figure it out. I am glad of that. Glad to be needed and wanted and all that. I am capable of lots of stuff. I'm not stupid. I'm not worthless because I don't have a multi-million dollar career. I'm just me and that's good enough for now.
Of course, then I got obsessed with trying to design a shawl-collared vest with lots of Aran style dressing on it that could actually fit me and be made from a discarded yarn from one of my mother's old projects she didn't want any more. It's a lovely, smokey black yarn, soft as velvet, and machine washable to boot. It's relatively fine, too, so I can get lots of good patterning on the body. And it's always fun to design a sweater myself, from scratch, and just make it fit me perfectly.
Which is what kept me up late last night. So I'm headachy, but happy. Jet's got a swimming lesson at 4, and they just canceled my 3-4 meeting! Hoorah! So I get to go to Jet's first swimming lesson! Yay!