Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li

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Fair's fair

I think, in some ways, the most frustrating thing with my parents is that they mean well. They really do. They really want to do me the favor, and they want to help out and they really want to do things right and to really help me make my life better and more satisfying and they really, truly, want to solve my problems for me and make them go away.

They don't know how to negotiate, they don't know how to ask, they don't know how to communicate with me about what would actually make life better for me; but they really, truly, want to make things better. Pretty much all of the ton of food they brought was stuff I said that I liked and that I wanted some of. The stuff they got at the grocery store was mostly stuff that they couldn't live without, of course they didn't ask me if there was leftover instant oatmeal from the last time they were here and there's a whole box of even the same flavor as before. I wouldn't want to deprive them of the things that spell comfort and being where they want to be, but sometimes it would be nice if they could ask occasionally.

It's just frustrating because I know I load these little things with a ton of emotional dynamite and baggage. It's all from the past things happening.

For all that Mom insisted that Jet was tired, she followed my instructions to change Jet and then feed him some solids before handing him over to Dad to bounce to sleep. My mom might get away with doing that, too, whenever I try to just bounce Jet to sleep my shirt gets latched onto. I'll have to work with that behavior, someday, but for now, it's easier to hand him over to someone else. So he was tired, but that didn't mean he wasn't wet and hungry as well, and those things really had to be dealt with first, before Jet would even consider doing anything but crying like crazy until those things were done. And Mom did, all the while bitterly complaining that Jet was tired... which I tried to deal with by acknowledging her, first. Yes, he's tired, but you gotta get him dry and not-hungry, first, before he'll fall asleep... and then showed them that it was so.

It's frustrating because I'm having to do for them what I feel like I didn't get when I was growing up. Acknowledgement. Listening. Asking them the questions so that things get communicated. And I know they're the right things to do to get the relationship and the companionship that is happening right now to work out. And for all that it's "not fair", it's real and it's good for me to practice anyway. Then again, what is fair? Having a useful relationship with my parents so that it doesn't poison their relationship with their grandchild is a pretty fair thing to have overall.

I kind of envy hegemony's fun relationship with her dad and just sympathize, way too much, with tamago's conversational land mines with her dad. I don't think mine are quite that bad, and certainly not all the time, though it feels like it, sometimes.

Mom did say that she really admired me for having a baby and holding a job at the same time. I'll admit that it really is a lot of my job's fault that I'm able to do this. Xilinx and Boss Bill are both great about letting me work from home and do it part time, though the latter is also helping the company with cost cutting, which is a useful thing at the moment and is helping keep layoffs at bay in its own small way. Still, it's very interesting, emotionally, to have her say that she admired me. I should remember that, too.

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