August 7th, 2001


(no subject)


I hate hurting myself. Especially hurting myself doing something that I have to do a lot. A lot like when I got all the tendon swelling from lots of typing usage of my hands, and pretty much had carpal tunnel problems from the things that I do every day and want to so a lot.

Now it's my right wrist, the inside tendon of it, and it's from picking up Jet. It's pretty obvious when I pick him up, now, too. Especially when I pick him up around his chest, under his arms. That's the way we've been doing it for a while, and I guess my wrist and arm strength just haven't been quite able to keep up with Jet's weight gains. Growl. My arms and shoulders have been sore ever since Jet was born. I'm not used to having to pick up that kind of weight repeatedly, and now that Jet's nearly seventeen pounds, it's a pretty big weight to sling into the air.

I'm icing it today, and trying not to use it too much. I'll probably do the things I did with the other wrist problem, i.e. try different ways of doing what I need to do. I'll probably puzzle Jet a lot by picking him up different ways today, and holding him in the sling instead of in my arms. Those should help. Still, it's a pain, and if it's still pretty bad tonight, I might go in and have it looked at and get told that I shouldn't use it and should ice it regularly. Somehow getting told those things makes it easier to do, or something.

Then again, they might actually give me something more or less useful to do with it.

(no subject)

Three hours of work this morning, because Jet fell asleep as he came home from daycare. I've also got three hours of meetings this afternoon. That'll be interesting.

Joan's volunteered to take him for an hour if I need it. We'll have to see. I think we'll be okay, as the mute button is damned fine on the remote headset, so long as Jet doesn't just yank it from my head.

He's gotten really strong and really curious about things he hasn't seen before, so his automatic reaction is to rip the headphone off my head to suck on it and see what it really looks like. John says that's how babies see how things look, by tasting them. I couldn't argue with him.

(no subject)

I am no longer built to take an eight hour day. Yeesh. Wussy! Ahem.

Tired. Meetings on meetings, and Jet not liking the headset at all, but now John's home and taking care of Jet and cuddling him and fooling with him and basically making him happier. Bill says that he's putting together more meetings like today's. I'll probably have to figure something out, and get past this hurdle, too. It's only during this phase of a release anyway. All the specifying out means massive meetings. And with the noise to signal ratio being so high, it's all possible. I mean I did manage today, but it was pretty draining.

It's gotten easier in other ways. I'm so glad that I had the knee accident, the two surgeries, the pregnancy, and then the whole post-partum time where I really had to deal with all the emotional roller coaster of trying to deal with the whole issue of my self-worth being tied, very tightly, to my technical capabilities at work. That I was good at what I did was a really big part of my self image, and that I could do more than anyone and drive harder and get to answers quicker were all things that were really hard to let go of, especially during the pregnancy where I simply had to acknowledge that my brain wasn't all there anymore. That I couldn't keep 20 layers of abstraction in my brain while debugging anymore, with that witch's brew of hormones, constant hunger, irritation, and exhaustion were bubbling around.

Finally, after months of that I could finally not really care that much, or, maybe, simply not feel quite so wounded. It just took a lot of time and trying to find other things to care about or like about myself. Journaling helped some. Losing Fezzik, in some ways, helped a lot to put certain things in perspective. Now Jet does a lot of that, too.

Now I'm just proud of the fact that I could survive eight hours of work in one day. Hee.
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