January 4th, 2002

crane

Yay! Friday!

It's Friday, and I'm utterly glad.

Jet had a good night, again, and he seems to be settling into a routine of up about midnight and up about 3 or 4 and then back down until he's got eight hours all together. If John and I split the ups, then we both have plenty of time and chance to sleep eight hours, and that's been very good indeed.

More adventures with my sister, but it's boiling down to our own perfectionist, critical voices taking over and most of the lambasting seems internal. We're working it out. Slowly.

I still hate my perfectionism. I think it robs the joy out of everything I do. It holds me to all my mistakes, cannot forgive a sin, and even if I do get something 'right', it feels like it's got to be 'wrong' because of mistakes I made along the way and corrected. I much prefer the feeling of tackling a problem with an acceptance and even celebration of mistakes because mistakes are how you learn. I much prefer having no fear of tackling anything and everything and learning, because everyone had to learn.

I prefer it, but I still have problems doing it. Ah well. I guess that comes with being human.

I feel better, though. That's important.

I think that self-esteem would have helped in that it could have squashed the perfectionist voices, that I'm okay, not a horrible person, for failing, for doing something wrong, for making a mistake, for hurting someone unintentionally. I'm okay if I make it up, if I do what I can to correct it, if I learn and try to do the right thing the next time.

Heh... reminds me of a religion I once wanted to write up and figure out, where the Original Sin is ignorance, and the only grace is to learn. I keep wanting to write that up.
  • Current Mood
    restless restless
crane

Circular

Heh. What's *really* funny is when the perfectionism gets mad for being a perfectionist.

Or maybe that's sad. I'm not sure.

Hm. When in doubt, laugh.