March 28th, 2003



.. it always amazes me when people just DECIDE stuff and get going on doing things. I don't know why. I guess I have spent most of my life procrastinating so much that it seems weird to have personalities that don't even have that kind of indecisive inaction on their radar.

I mean, it makes *sense* to just go ahead and try stuff. Really. If it fails, then you know that, and can make decisions based on that. If it succeeds, then you're a step closer to where you dreamed you'd be. I hate having the kind of personality that wallows in the 'What if it fails?!?!'

It was really funny having someone tell me, in an email, that I wasn't perfect. I mean, "DUH!" I've spent my whole life knowing just how fucked up, flawed, and failed I am, and it's not like it's news or something constructive to say or something that would actually help me do any better or feel good about trying. It just slapped me in the face for trying and failing. That's what I SO do not want for Jet.

I think that's why I love John so much. He never does that. He also just goes out and tries things, and doesn't give a shit if he looks stupid, fails, or whatever. Kind of like Jet falling into the pool, it was just something that happened and things go on, no yelling at him for fucking up, no trying to put fear into him, no making him ashamed of not knowing the consequences, no making him feel bad for having an accident, just deal with it and believe that Jet'll make the decisions that make sense to him in the future. It seems so simple. I don't understand why so many, many, many people, including me, make everything so hard, ugly, painful, and fraught with fear.

So it is. I keep trying to get better at that, and I'll never be perfect, but that's part of the game.

I guess it really plays into my understanding of gung-fu. Where the action, the practice itself is the thing. There is no perfection that one can just hit and be done, though there is an ideal to aim for, it's the motion, the action, the doing itself that's the important thing, not the comparison. A Way, a journey, not just an end-place. Maybe it's just the means being the end, rather than the end justifying all means.