January 19th, 2008



Actual *kilowatts* from the panels today as it's clear and sunny as anything, and we're getting up to 5kw per hour rate. Pretty keen. The array's rated up to 6kw hours. So that's pretty close, even with the sun so far south. Generated enough that our meter is going backwards by nearly 13 kwh, so we're doing good. Whew.

Watched The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything with Jet this morning. It was really fun with him. I loved the Rock Monsters, especially at the end. *giggles* Very sweet movie, and cool about how anyone can do the right thing. I liked the story for how the characters grew and learned and changed along their adventures.

It amuses me that I reread ALL of the Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles 1-15 in one day because Carl sent me the first three, again. The changes in those characters are pretty evident and enjoyable as well, on the most part. I'm enjoying xxxHolic, but for entirely different reasons than Tsubasa. The stories and consequences of xxxHolic are the key for me, the complex interplay of this for that. I love Tsubasa for the characters. They really engage my heart, for some reason, in a much greater fashion than xxxHolic. I really do hope they get a chance to heal... but the process has been a great story.


I finally realized why Riku appeals to me so very, very much.

It goes with my original Liralen/Blammor dichotomy. Darkness hidden amid the light of appearances. Having two sides, one light, one dark and the light can only be really be accepted, given, if the darkness is acknowledged and embraced. Riku fell into the dark. He fought his way out of it, but his full return was only through the grace of another's death and he wouldn't have walked all the way back himself if he hadn't gotten pointed out by Kairi, hung onto by Sora. Riku's darkness was, perhaps as all darkness is, one he walked alone. He trusted his own strength, and that alone. And that's part of why he fell.

It's why I fall. I have fallen. I got up. I will probably fall into the dark again. I usually do, and, like Riku, it's only when I trust my relations with others that I get pulled out. But it's as hard for him as it is for me. Let me fade back into the darkness...

While writing a Lenten contemplation, I was dragged back through a few memories of people saving me when I had no right to be saved, no expectation of it. When co-workers fought for me when I was going to get laid off just because I was married to John, when teachers fought for me when I tested out of a gifted program. Heck, now, at the church, so many people seem to believe I belong when I don't. I can't believe it's going to be okay, that my darkness will be accepted, and then something happens and suddenly someone's at my back and I can fight for theirs.

Perhaps John is my Sora. The open hearted one that trusts everyone and believes everything, who can never give up because it just never occurs to him that that's even an option. So, even battered or despairing, I get up again and go to battle, trusting him when I can't trust myself. Maybe that's all I need.
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