Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li

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The High

It's interesting. I feel like I'm an addict getting a taste of the Stuff I've always craved, tried to ignore, and the lure of the high is so tempting...

It's an old high. The high of working at my full and complete capacity. When my dreams are filled with the data I need to process, often dreams of solutions dancing in my head when I wake up. The high of stress and deadlines, and a thousand things to do. The punch drunk euphoria of getting something done that no one else could do or would...

It's tempered this time, though. Shot through with knowledge of where this got me the last time. Ruined hands, an unbalanced life, and general unhappiness.

I can tell it's happening because the only way I can shut off my brain is by playing video games, a lot, and the faster the better. I now play Sonic Team Heroes even when Jet's not here to be entertained. I play it an Crash a lot, just to have something else for my head to grind at so that it can stop thinking about work. I even find ironing a pleasure, as much because I'm alone when I do it and the fact that it's complex enough with a good, physical danger of getting burned to the complexity that I can't think as much during it. I am reading trashy novels to get my head to STOP.

I can't sleep at night, not really. My head's too full.

I also depend on a caffeine kick in the morning to get started. But on Friday I got up just before 6, and just packed up and walked to work because I had way too much to do and too little time to do it. We had a team-building thing in the afternoon, everyone was taking the afternoon off and just going out to eat, drink, talk, and play pool afterwards. We ended up at the Med and had wonderful tapas, lunches, and desserts with coffee, and talked for three hours straight. It rained for most of the time we were there. Mmmm... At 3 ish, I called John and we figured out that he could come for me at the Foundry at 4, and then we'd figure out what we wanted to do for the evening. We ended up walking all over Boulder, with Jet on our shoulders, for most of it, and we shopped a little, ate a little, and mostly walked, talked, and poked about town. Jet loved just exploring, and he was a tireless little guy about the whole things, so that was a lot of fun. There was one point when we walked by a Boulder bike shop, and they were showing the end of the day's stage in Le Tour de France, and we stopped there and watched and watched and watched. Jet watched for a while, and then asked to ride the mechanical elephant, which he cheerfully rode. He then asked for M&M's and finally ended up back on my shoulders to watch the finish. When it was done, Jet asked, "Is that finished, now?" and he nodded when I said, "Yes." and kept going cheerfully onto the next thing.

Jet's doing well, I think. Though in the last week he decided that he wasn't going to play with toys before swimming any more. I'm not sure if it's because he's been at kid care all day and doesn't want to do any more of that; if it's the fact that, at home, if he wants to go swimming, he can just go; or if it's also the whole change in situation making him more insecure or what, but so it is. John and I haven't had a workout for weeks, now. Though John's ridden across Longmont while pulling Jet's trailer on a regular basis, and I've now been walking or riding to work every day, so I now have 4 or 5 10,000 step days a week. I want to get it up to 6, and have one day 'off', but that'll come.

It's different now, too. With all the walking, swimming, and meetings (I have an average of three meetings a day, compared to when I was coding and having maybe four or five a week) my hands aren't nearly as trashed. I'm taking the time to get up and stretch, to get up and look out the window. So I don't think I'll have quite the same physical problems. I'm getting massages.

Jet's had a good couple of weeks. He's been swimming just about every other day, at least, and he's getting good enough that he can go 10 feet at a shot, with coming up for air in the middle, and keep going for a while. He's gotten so that he likes Brenda's. He also has pretty much kept his pants dry and clean on the most part. He's had a few accidents, one every other day or so, usually for good reasons. He did great Saturday night, when we went to the outdoor movie, and pee'ed, with great delight, on some rocks in the parking lot, afterwards.

Longmont has a weekly outdoor movie at a parking lot right off main street. They play kid movies only, and have goofy costume and trivia contests about the movie that's going to be shown. They have some musical pre-entertainment, and it's fun. We went with Dean and Mikayla, and they seemed to enjoy going and doing it with us. We had plenty of mosquito repellent, a big tub of popcorn, and folding chairs. It was very comfortable and very fun. We watched birds, bats, planes and the stars as well as "Finding Nemo" yet again. *grin*

We didn't get home until nearly 11:30, and Jet got his pajamas, brushed teeth, and we read to him in his bed for a while before he nursed to sleep. I don't think he actually gets any milk anymore, but it's comforting for both of us. And doing it in his rocking chair is a lot easier and better for both of us than in front of the TV. We've abruptly changed his night routine after a late nap on Thursday ended up in a really bad night for all three of us. Now we get the book reading in every night, and Jet seems much happier to go to bed right afterwards. Whew.

But with the late night we didn't make it to church this morning. Which was quite the relief, actually. I'm probably burning out when that's my main feeling about the whole thing.

I got up with Jet at 6, which was painful, but then we went to Lucille's after John got up at 9. He needed the sleep. We all ate quite a lot. Jet ate nearly a whole beniet and then also ate a couple slices of bacon along with a good portion of my biscuit. I had the Cajun eggs while John had the Eisenhower breakfast which is a traditional egg, potato, toast, and meat breakfast, but with grits instead of potatoes and a big, fluffy biscuit instead of toast. On the way home, Jet fell asleep, so I did, too. The alarm went off at an hour and a half, and I turned it off, turned over and had a three hour nap. I needed it. I finally could calm my brain down enough to do it, too.

John and I talked this weekend, too. He's going a little nuts with the stay-at-home deal. I'm definitely going a little nutsoid with the full-time thing, and I can feel it in my bones that as high as I'm getting with it, it's not a healthy thing for me. This amount of responsibility, stress, and such is far, far more than I really need in my life. I need to have another day off. And it would be easier if it were Monday than Friday, which is my usual wrap-up day. We talked with Joan and in September she switches over to a new schedule as well, and she'll be having Haley at home on Tuesdays, so she'll be happy to switch Monday's for Tuesdays a week or so into September! Hoorah!!

So I'll get to have Monday's off. Whew. I need that a lot, I think, and it'll be good incentive to have a plan to drop all the extra things I'm doing now. Or at least finish them and be DONE with them. A good way to go.

Only five more weeks of full-time (as I have a week's vacation in there), and then I can get off this high and be sane again. Hopefully.

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