Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li

  • Mood:

Oddly Enough

While I do update what the things are that are happening in my life and what is going on and all that, I rarely seem to update stuff about what I'm feeling like here or even in the other journal. Just realized that on reading the last several entries. Sure, pain stuff and medical stuff, and that all is in here, but not... hm... inchoate chunks of emotional reality. I'm not as solid as the people and things in my life, I guess.

I'm feeling kind of dry-eyed and waiting. Headachy in a way that doesn't impinge on getting stuff done, but it's there. After this last trip and all the stress and activity to get it all done (my teeth hurt a lot during the trip and I actually am finally figuring out that it might have been because I was grinding them from stress over the trip and over the work lost during it) I'm seriously contemplating telling my parents that we aren't going to be in San Diego for Christmas.

The Northwest trip was well worth the doing. Meeting people that I haven't seen for so long and whom I value so much was well worth the doing, even when the meetings were short, and the price paid in terms of stress and work and inner anger at how stupid the Portland airport security turned out to be (I have a theory that small airports are stupider than large airports about actually checking things that are actually dangerous, and there's a whole section in the book Protecting The Gift as to why security guards are stupid and a senseless waste of money and why small airport security seems rampant with that mentality) was all worth it. Besides, John's parents gave us three night's worth of clear sleep and were great company besides and were great about asking us what we wanted or needed to do.

That high a price to uproot ourselves from our home and any possible Christmas preparations we might have made to go to my parents' house and do what they do for Christmas and follow their agenda without any questions from them as to what we actually want to do is not worth it. And I'm frightened to death of telling them that. I'll do it. I have learned how to say No when I mean it. It doesn't mean I'm not scared.

I ignore it, though. It's easy enough.

I am unhappy about how much I'm expecting myself to do at work. My boss is very happy with what I am doing. That hasn't changed much.

I am, however, happy to be home, with all that implies, from what the bed feels like to being able to put Jet into his own crib and room, from the changing table to the food we eat, from getting to nurse Jet in a splash of sunshine to being able to type thoughts in at any time. That's all helping my jaw and teeth and heart settle down again. That's good. I'll be glad to share this with Kathy next week.

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