Now I want to make movies of games I've been in. Not star in 'em, but just make 'em, plot 'em, shoot 'em, score and chop chop chop with my viewpoint and sense of what's beautiful.
Technology's the easy part for me, the pumping back up of the artistic side of me is the hard thing, especially while I'm burning out about people. There's a really respected technical writer that was in one of my classes in the last week, and my mug came back from Crack Pots and she peered at it, "Hmm... artistic and technical. You should be very, very scary..."
But I'm not. I am, however, burning out. When I have four scarves to make for Jet's teachers and I'm dreaming of burning scarves being rescued by Harry's friends it's kind of funny. But when I'm doing a 'simple' six-step chocolate torte and don't even LOOK for the eggs until I realize I'm missing some, that's bad. This is a torte I've made several times and it's drop dead simple, melt chocolate and butter together, add some flavorings, separate four eggs (I messed up one white/yolk yeesh I never do that), beat the yolks with sugar and the chocolate and a few tablespoons of flour and nut meal, whip the whites with acid and sugar, and then fold together and bake. I was ready to throw the whole thing out by step three, and I'm never that way with chocolate.
Okay, so John has the kitchen sink out and I can not use a kitchen sink, just the laundry room tub. Okay, my arms and shoulders hurt from all the scarves (the teachers loved the scarves, and Jet loved handing them out to everyone). Okay, it's already nearly 9:30 and Jet's supposed to be going to bed. Okay...
But I don't think that would have afffected me without the work burnout, too. I did just do it. I am now done with the cake and it looks pretty good. Two pumpkin pies in the morning, and another day without the sink, but that does mean we get to go out to eat. Not a terrible deal.
What is terrible, though, is realizing that if I keep my job the way it is I'm going to be so burnt out on people that I won't be able to go to Cons. I've been making excuses that involve Jet the last few years, but I'm realizing, now, that I've hit a hard line where it's just HARD for me to go out on a limb and meet new people and be pleasant and try and accomidate their expectations of me. It's really hard to even be as friendly and energetic as I usually am, and harder yet to stay away from cynacism and real depression about people. It's weird.
But I'm pretty sure that so long as I'm working the way I've been working my introverted bits are being so darn starved I'm not going to be good for much other than meeting up with people I know and whom I know I am not going to disappoint. That was good on my trip to Carl's, as that fulfilled that in spades. I loved that, but Cons are going to be harder for me.
Okay, okay, so doing movies would involve people, too. But I can dream, can't I?