Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li

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A very strange night, last night. I was stupid and let a book eat my brain after Jet had gone to sleep, and I was so stupid and stayed up late to read it. It didn't help that John was up late doing research into houses, I'm not sure if they were houses in Seattle or houses around here, or what, but it wasn't until 11 that he came down, and I still had to get ready for bed and pump, so I wasn't into bed until 11:30. I usually use John's timing to get ready for bed because it was just easy. It really was my own fault, though, I should have just gone to bed early after having to get up twice the night before. I was pretty mad at myself with all this.

Then, of course, Jet was up at 12:30. So John took him and gave him a bottle, which, of course ended up with Jet staying asleep so long that *I* was hurting with milk. I woke up at 3, feeling bad, but managed to force myself back to sleep at about 3:30. Then woke up again an hour later, so I started pumping at 4:40. Before I did, I woke up John and told John that I was going to do that and he'd have to take care of Jet if Jet woke up. At 4:45, Jet woke up, of course, and for five minutes I heard him crying, and John *still* hadn't woken up to take care of him. I yelled for John twice, and he still didn't wake up or answer. I was so mad.

I had to carefully unplug myself, set down all the stuff so that it couldn't tip over to spill milk everywhere, and then slammed into the bedroom and gave John what for. He just never had woken up. Even with all that crying on the monitor, he'd just never woken up. I made me want to scream, in some ways, because I get woken up by everything and John can sleep through Jet crying and it was just so maddening.

I know. I have got a great husband who is willing to do a lot of the childcare stuff during the day, at night, any time I ask. He really is great about all that. I do know that. I was just so angry, though, from squashed expectations that I was just yelling at him and he was scared out of his mind by getting woken up by my coming in with a crash and screaming at him.

He did get Jet and he did feed him the milk I pumped, and being completely unable to go back to sleep and Jet not really wanting to go back to sleep, they just stayed up afterwards and went out to get me chocolate donuts. I slept fitfully even while they were gone. Rage has bad after affects on me. It was the combination of being stuck helpless at the pump while John had *promised* to take care of Jet that got me so fucked up.

Now I know why kids get so upset and angry when a promise is broken, or things seem 'unfair'. Even if I think through the probability that, logically, I could have just unplugged and comforted Jet and then gotten John quietly; emotionally, that would have been totally impossible. I was just so upset at being disappointed in such a big way when I'd even gone to the effort to communicate, openly, about what it was I needed and wanted from John. I can beat myself up when I expect something from him that I haven't explicitly *said*; but when I actually have gone past my old reflexes and actually told him specifically what I want, he's built up the trust in me that he'll do it.

And this time he didn't do it.

He did apologize, and he did go to the extra effort for breakfast, and it's not like I don't forgive him or even understand. He doesn't wake up as easily as I do, and it's just a fact in some ways. I think, in some ways, it's something in me that's now afraid that if, at night, I am somewhere else in the house and really have to have John's help with something that I just can't count on getting it. If I screamed for help, the way I yelled his name last night, I still can't wake him up. I would be stuck, on my own, to just deal. I don't have a doubt that I could deal, I just feel kind of abandoned when I thought I could count on him completely. Ah... yup... that's it. That's what makes me want to cry.

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