Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li
liralen

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Ruminations While Shoveling

We've gotten quite a bit of snow in the past few days. Another six inches last night of the powdery stuff. There's pictures on the TV of folks shoulder deep in powder as they ski down the slopes...

But it's meant that we've had to do quite a bit of shoveling of the front walk, the sidewalks leading to the house and the driveway. There's a methodology to it so it's not too hard, and doesn't really require much thought.

But this morning, as I was snowplowing with the shovel and had time to think, a bunch of things kind of came together. At the moment I'm hip-deep in the Old Testament, proverbs and the five books of psalms and deep into the Exile into Babylon. The OUR center visits are pretty constant now, for me, with the weather going bitter cold, and John doing the shopping every week. I'm also into all the anime and manga stuff, and the Christmas season has gotten it's grips into me as well for all the good and bad of it. Kinda crystallized through several stories I'm experiencing, now, too.

What comes next is something that is just Truth for me, which means it isn't reproducible and may never apply to you and isn't necessarily fact and probably never happened *laughter*... there's this quote I have treasured from a story teller who says, "This may never have happened, but it's still True." I think it encapsulates, for me, what I see as the big difference between Truth and Fact.

I've come to the conclusion that no one deserves to be loved. Period. No one. (Yes, me, too.) And the more powerful, rich, and famous one is the less one probably actually deserves or, even can get someone to love them for themselves rather than for their power, wealth, or fame. Even kids don't *deserve* it as much as they need it, require love to grow into themselves. Which, I think, is why kids are both so easy to love (because they'll accept any love you can give them and don't have any expectations on the forms of love, yet,) and so hard to care for (because they always *need* it).

But, conversely, everyone can choose to love someone else, anyway. Even God.

[Added at 11:35 am] beckyb made a wonderful reply: "My response was maybe what we deserve is to love." I think she makes the point of what I felt much better than I did. :-) [/Added]

And even if you give love to someone else, you don't "deserve" to get it back, too. That's someone else's choice.

Giving love, being loving is pretty amazing in and of itself, really. And it's something of a gift to have that love accepted as well. Whether or not it's reciprocated, if it's just accepted and appreciated, it can be astonishingly fulfilling in and of itself. Like feeding people at the OUR center, like going to Biloxi to help rebuild people's homes, like shoveling the neighbor's sidewalk, or even volunteering at Jet's classroom and having the kids trust my leading them through a project.

And it's become pretty cool for me, at least, when someone does actually love me back, like a precious gift that I can't deserve, ever, but wow... thank you. There's a lot to say thank you about, now, for me when someone does love me back. Or, for that matter, with the thought or stated belief that God does love me even when I walk away, there's still love being given.

I'm gradually realizing this is a healing thought for me.

I should probably shovel snow more often. *laughter*
Tags: grace
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