Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li

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I finally realized why Riku appeals to me so very, very much.

It goes with my original Liralen/Blammor dichotomy. Darkness hidden amid the light of appearances. Having two sides, one light, one dark and the light can only be really be accepted, given, if the darkness is acknowledged and embraced. Riku fell into the dark. He fought his way out of it, but his full return was only through the grace of another's death and he wouldn't have walked all the way back himself if he hadn't gotten pointed out by Kairi, hung onto by Sora. Riku's darkness was, perhaps as all darkness is, one he walked alone. He trusted his own strength, and that alone. And that's part of why he fell.

It's why I fall. I have fallen. I got up. I will probably fall into the dark again. I usually do, and, like Riku, it's only when I trust my relations with others that I get pulled out. But it's as hard for him as it is for me. Let me fade back into the darkness...

While writing a Lenten contemplation, I was dragged back through a few memories of people saving me when I had no right to be saved, no expectation of it. When co-workers fought for me when I was going to get laid off just because I was married to John, when teachers fought for me when I tested out of a gifted program. Heck, now, at the church, so many people seem to believe I belong when I don't. I can't believe it's going to be okay, that my darkness will be accepted, and then something happens and suddenly someone's at my back and I can fight for theirs.

Perhaps John is my Sora. The open hearted one that trusts everyone and believes everything, who can never give up because it just never occurs to him that that's even an option. So, even battered or despairing, I get up again and go to battle, trusting him when I can't trust myself. Maybe that's all I need.
Tags: me

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