crane

Trying to Recharge

I am unexpectedly depressed... took a few minutes today to go through the last of the boxes from work with John. He just held out each thing, I rendered judgment; and nearly everything I'd brought back ended up pretty much in the recycle, as a lot of it were the management docs I just couldn't let go of when I first left, when I thought I might still choose to go back after the initial, six-month leave.

I didn't.



I think it was having it take those six month before I even wanted to talk to a human being, other than John and Jet, that kind of marked just how much the job had drained me. And it took another six before I wanted to wrap my brain around anything more complex than just getting Jet to school and safely home again, playing a few games, watching a few movies, and generally being a potato.

But I'll admit that started to treat writing like I used to treat work, which is I get obsessive about it, and, I rediscovered, today, that I don't really have to. I have really... hard work habits. Hard on my body, hard on my brain, and with writing, I just seem to get more frustrated when I force it and don't take the time to recharge or relax or just... release myself from my own stupid standards. I have a really bad tendency to really hate and disrespect my own work so that no one else will, and I really tried to sit on it for the paintings, especially after John really admired them.

I love working on anything someone else wants, which is why the call for requests the last time I was down.

This time, though I have to get more Twin Souls done or I'm just going to explode with it.

I'm a thousand words into the next chapter and it's going pretty well. Not smoothly, yet, but it's been more than a month since I got into this groove, and it'll come, I'm actually confident of that, now, and there's been a plan. Not an actual plot, mind you, but enough of a plan for me to know what has to happen. Shunsui always surprises me, so I'm leaving him the room to do so this time.

It was fun to just go out with John. We headed to Arvada to the Penzey's store and bought some spices, seasonings and the like, including three real Madagascar vanilla beans, Jet's Sandwich Sprinkle, and I bought a small jar of hot chocolate with vanilla sugar in it. He'd found a Lego Store near the Penzey's, in a brand new mall out on W. Colfax.

We got to go Wall Mocking. *laughs and laughs* I kept saying "Wall Mocking" when I meant to say "Mall Walking" and then John played up on that, mocking every single thing we came across, from the Christian Family Store ("No, thank you, I do not wish to buy a Christian Family today.") to the Guess store ("I wonder what it is? I have absolutely no idea? Do you?). But we both fell over laughing at the "Hermit Shack", one of those little kiosks in the middle of the hallway where they had a tank of poor, painted Hermit crabs crawling over each other. They all actually looked pretty happy, but the one with a Spiderman thingy painted on its shell made me crack up so hard the guy manning the booth just looked at me, which just 'caused me to crack up even harder.

Oops.

John finally relented when we got to the Lego Shop. And it was like Lego Land without the crowds. *laughs* They had every kit, the buckets of grab what pieces you want in the middle, and even the Y-Wing bag tags on sale for half off. I really wanted the Millenium Falcon, but they didn't have any more in the shop, they had everything else, but the Y-Wings looked like they were made from nearly standard parts. And I wanted to build it at home. We were there for some hard to get kits for a friend of Jet's birthday tomorrow, and they had them. I also bought two of the five dollar car kits that can then be fit together to make a big car, and one tool for pulling apart Lego bricks. Jet and I had put together two of the two-stud plates and it had taken half an hour for us to figure a way to get them apart. They'd fit together so tightly.

We then hit Boulder, first for the 100B biodiesel for the diesal Passat, 100% vegetable oil based biodiesal with some stuff to keep it from being too acid, stuff to lube the insides of the engine, and the fuel itself.

Then we fueled ourselves at 8Island, with big Hawaiian plate lunches, macaroni salad and all. It was great. I got the tonkatsu with curry on rice and was very, very happy when we got home.

It was nice to spend half the day doing something other than writing. Gave me more fuel for when I could get home and do stuff again. Then we went through the box and I got really depressed again. *sighs* I am not really dealing all that well with the combination of mid-life crisis and the whole retirement identity crisis thing all at once.

But it helped that Jet and I played with my Lego when he got home from school, and then he and John went to a bike jamboree, so I really could just write for a while. It's been productive and nice. Thanks to bloodthirstylt, 2metaldog's writing, mysocalledhell, buildingafuture, and stark_black for getting me back on my feet.
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Unbinding...we think we own things, and it's true enough, but everything we own owns a little piece of us. Letting go is hard. I hadn't realized that your last job took that much out of you. My sympathies.
It also gave me a ton, too, I'm not complaining about that... I just hadn't realized how much it took until I started getting it back again.

And, yeah, on the things. It's better, for me right now, to just let those go...

Thanks!!
*hugs* Writing takes recharge. Fill the glass of the brain. Churn it around with brainstuffs. Empty the result onto the page. Need to fill up the glass again and churn it around before you can empty it out again!

*snugs*
*snugs back*

Mmm... yeah... or the less popular but also true analogy with compost bins. *laughs*
As I said, I'm glad what I wrote perked you up. And Lego's are the coolest toy EVER!!! I'm a little sad that my boy is long past the Lego stage (he's gonna be 19 soon) and that we donated all his Lego to the Salvation Army years ago so somebody else could enjoy them.
Yeah... I love Legos. *grins* Awww...

But cool that someone else probably got a great deal of joy out of the Lego you donated. *grins*
Oh boy do I ever relate to the work thing. It's been 9 months since I left a job that sounds much like yours - sucked every bit of my energy, kept my stress levels permanently through the roof, and while I did take refuge in my personal writing, I had more external pressures there that took some of the fun away and made that a chore sometimes as well. I'm much, much happier now that I'm not slaving for the man anymore, and letting myself take the time I need to recharge when I need it. It's really difficult when the urge, the burn to write is there (so, pretty much constantly, lol), but I think I've figured out how to temper it a bit.

I really wanted the Millenium Falcon

You win big points with me for this, right here. :D Coolest hunk of junk in the galaxy. *grin* I have a little figurine of the Falcon that lives in my living room, my geekdon proudly displayed for all to see. Once upon a time I had one of those 3D foam puzzles, too, but it got damaged and some of the pieces lost, so I had to let it go. *sniff*
*grins* We got to see the $300 Lego model of the Millennium Falcon all put together in its full glory. It was astonishing, every porthole, firing pod, and antenna in place. Whooie.

But I couldn't quite get the gumption up to get that. *laughs*

My job was worthwhile 'cause it smoothed the way for a lot of people, and, for me, because it took every scrap of energy I had to do it really, really well. It was probably the first time I felt that all my strengths were being used to their utmost. It used my writing abilities, my communication and language abilities, so much that I couldn't write anything when I got home. As much as it took, it also gave me a ton of self-esteem and self-identity... which, I'm finding, is a different kind of loss now.
How long has it been by now since you left that job and how long did you work it before you left? Sounds like it was an all or nothing thing.

It's hard for an overachiever to simply achieve. :P You have time! :D

I for one, am very happy when you get bit by the Twin Souls bug. :DDDD
Hmm... in a week it'll have been, officially, a year. I'd been in computer engineering for... uhm... 24 years, maybe a bit more, as during college I was working, too.

They were willing to have me continue part-time the way I was. But... really, it was all or nothing, even the times I wasn't working, I was thinking about work.

*laughs* at the achiever part. Yes. I just have to figure out how... *laughs* XDD And I want to do it *now*. *giggles way too much*

Oh, that last helps a lot. Thank you.
(hugs) Writing definitely needs recharge. (In fact, everything needs recharge.) Take care of yourself.

(I'll just be sitting over here nagging on the sideline. :))
*laughs*

Yay! Thank you for the wishes... and thanks for the sideline help. Hee. It's always good to know you'll be there.