Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li

  • Mood:
I am no longer built to take an eight hour day. Yeesh. Wussy! Ahem.

Tired. Meetings on meetings, and Jet not liking the headset at all, but now John's home and taking care of Jet and cuddling him and fooling with him and basically making him happier. Bill says that he's putting together more meetings like today's. I'll probably have to figure something out, and get past this hurdle, too. It's only during this phase of a release anyway. All the specifying out means massive meetings. And with the noise to signal ratio being so high, it's all possible. I mean I did manage today, but it was pretty draining.

It's gotten easier in other ways. I'm so glad that I had the knee accident, the two surgeries, the pregnancy, and then the whole post-partum time where I really had to deal with all the emotional roller coaster of trying to deal with the whole issue of my self-worth being tied, very tightly, to my technical capabilities at work. That I was good at what I did was a really big part of my self image, and that I could do more than anyone and drive harder and get to answers quicker were all things that were really hard to let go of, especially during the pregnancy where I simply had to acknowledge that my brain wasn't all there anymore. That I couldn't keep 20 layers of abstraction in my brain while debugging anymore, with that witch's brew of hormones, constant hunger, irritation, and exhaustion were bubbling around.

Finally, after months of that I could finally not really care that much, or, maybe, simply not feel quite so wounded. It just took a lot of time and trying to find other things to care about or like about myself. Journaling helped some. Losing Fezzik, in some ways, helped a lot to put certain things in perspective. Now Jet does a lot of that, too.

Now I'm just proud of the fact that I could survive eight hours of work in one day. Hee.

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