Moon

Feeling...

... brittle...

not like glass...

like something thinner... like a sheet of melted sugar poured onto marble, spread to look like glass, like windows, but thin and crisp and sweet to the tooth.

Not cutting brittle, just brittle enough to shatter.

fragile and ephemeral



It's been five nights of not getting to bed until after 1am, often up until 2 and then up in the morning at 8 to get Jet to the bus stop and have a reason to get up at a regular time. Last night I was only up until midnight and then I woke up at 6 and could not get back to sleep.

It amuses me that when I got tired in the afternoon, I'd jump on the exercise bike and ride forty minutes, hard, to wake up. It always works, a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

It's like when I used to work. When the real deadlines hit and everything in my body, brain, and heart revved up to just go go go... do it until it was done. Not liking it or loving it, completely dispassionate about what was being done, but just doing. Like had nothing to do with it. Happy had no place or part. Fear or concern were just road bumps. Those were times when I'd have the dreams of being an assassin executing my job, and doing it not just well but impossibly well.

I don't do things because I like doing them. I talked about that with John one evening. I do them and am most effective at them simply because they are to be done. He understands, as we've done the same sorts of things under the same kinds of pressures with the same kind of results. There's a reason we're retired so young, and it's not for doing what we *liked*. It was for doing what needed to be done.

I don't have needs imposed on me by others now, though. They're all given to me by myself, and it seems that for some it's really odd for me to push myself for what I "want" to do hard enough to go back into this mode. I know, though that I'm most effective when I'm in this mood; and when I'm effective I'm essentially happy without... well... that feeling of happiness? I dunno what it is, but I'm most stable, confident, and solid when I'm effective. Not when I'm off spending my time on things that make no progress. *laughs*

Yeah. I'm halfway into a third chapter of Twin Souls. I just started two other stories. One is a fanfic of someone else's original work, one is an original of my own in the Misfit Toys universe. I'm realizing that with the Misfit Toys I can pretty much play them as a hazmat team, but one that deals in nanobots, cyber hoodlums, and near-future SF items. Pure genre fun. I also got enough outside readers of my first story with Rishi and Damien to find that, yes, indeed, having Rishi be female really works for folks more central on the spectrum. Something about high powered females is just... fun.

Plus, I got extra consulting in this week, which might be another trigger... all that 'gotta DO specific computer stuff' does seem awfully close, sometimes.

It amuses me that with all the writing I've been doing I've also been yearning to dye and paint. So today is Color Day until Jet gets home, then it's his birthday party. *laughs* He's having four boys over for an overnight. It should be fun. But I want to do Fat Sparrows again, and more chrysanthemums and mony's Hedgepiggy. My hands are all red and purple from some silk and wool I've dyed for fingerless gloves.

PLUS it's the brightest and biggest full moon of the year tonight! I hope everyone enjoys it.
You have a fair number of things that you're working on! I hope the creative well is not being over-drained, yah?

(Also... Sleep! Sleep is good! Get sleep, yes?)
I think I have to get through a certain point in Twin Souls before I'll be able to sleep again...

but yes, I am running... thin. *laughs*

*hugs you* Thank you for watching out for me.
This is just a shot in the dark, but you might be happiest being effective because you've trained as an engineer and efficiency and effectiveness is something they strive for. Honestly, an engineer thinks things out differently than other people.

As I said, I work with 2 engineers on a daily basis and I apparently have a strange brain chemistry that allows me to interact easily with them as well as the non-engineers and be understood by both. I'm often called in as a "translation service" or go-between *laughs*.
Mmm... yes, and not just training but my initial tendencies as well. Yeah, engineers do decide things differently than other people.

You probably do that *very* well, too. *grins*
GIGANTIC FUCKING MOON. it was downright intimidating lurking just above the horizon as i was driving home earlier.

as for fragility, ephemerality... *hug*
you are here.
OOoooooo!! It's CLEAR here, and the sun will SOON BE DOWN!

And I and six boys, including the JF and Jet shall go OUT for dinner tonight! Hee.

It should be good.

*hugs warmly* I am. It's good to be and not worry about what will come.
Why do we have to have heavy overcast tonight?

grumbles about not getting to see pretty moon

I hope you start feeling more substantial and less frangible. Color Day sounds like loads of fun, though!
Yes!

My fingers are now magenta, purple, and red now. I never seem to remember the gloves for when I dye... *laughs* though it might be an unconscious decision, I live with it for a few days after.

Aww about the clouds. Silly clouds, don't they know you want to SEE?
The dye marks are like a temporary tattoo, in a way, aren't they? Like paint stains, they're a nice reminder of what you've done.
I'm sure the boys would have liked to help with the dyeing too. :)

Then again, I can see why you wouldn't want them to . . .
Well, Jet invited 10 and 11-year-old boys rather than his nine and while he's delighted to help me with the dyeing, usually, having other boys to play "Ghost in the Graveyard" with and taunt (I have NOT heard "you are such a CRYBABY!" in a very long time) seems far more interesting to him at the moment.

The others, I suspect, would just look at me. XD

And, you're right. I'm grateful.
That was a rather beautiful poem, though I don't think you meant it that way. *hugs*

I hope Jet had a great birthday and you didn't go too crazy about it. :D
*hugs back* Thank you...

*contemplates it* I guess it is! Neat.

Jet had a wonderful birthday and we didn't go crazy at all, the boys had a wonderful time together, and after all the screaming, they finally settled down and slept. XD