Liralen Li (liralen) wrote,
Liralen Li
liralen

Feeling...

... brittle...

not like glass...

like something thinner... like a sheet of melted sugar poured onto marble, spread to look like glass, like windows, but thin and crisp and sweet to the tooth.

Not cutting brittle, just brittle enough to shatter.

fragile and ephemeral



It's been five nights of not getting to bed until after 1am, often up until 2 and then up in the morning at 8 to get Jet to the bus stop and have a reason to get up at a regular time. Last night I was only up until midnight and then I woke up at 6 and could not get back to sleep.

It amuses me that when I got tired in the afternoon, I'd jump on the exercise bike and ride forty minutes, hard, to wake up. It always works, a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

It's like when I used to work. When the real deadlines hit and everything in my body, brain, and heart revved up to just go go go... do it until it was done. Not liking it or loving it, completely dispassionate about what was being done, but just doing. Like had nothing to do with it. Happy had no place or part. Fear or concern were just road bumps. Those were times when I'd have the dreams of being an assassin executing my job, and doing it not just well but impossibly well.

I don't do things because I like doing them. I talked about that with John one evening. I do them and am most effective at them simply because they are to be done. He understands, as we've done the same sorts of things under the same kinds of pressures with the same kind of results. There's a reason we're retired so young, and it's not for doing what we *liked*. It was for doing what needed to be done.

I don't have needs imposed on me by others now, though. They're all given to me by myself, and it seems that for some it's really odd for me to push myself for what I "want" to do hard enough to go back into this mode. I know, though that I'm most effective when I'm in this mood; and when I'm effective I'm essentially happy without... well... that feeling of happiness? I dunno what it is, but I'm most stable, confident, and solid when I'm effective. Not when I'm off spending my time on things that make no progress. *laughs*

Yeah. I'm halfway into a third chapter of Twin Souls. I just started two other stories. One is a fanfic of someone else's original work, one is an original of my own in the Misfit Toys universe. I'm realizing that with the Misfit Toys I can pretty much play them as a hazmat team, but one that deals in nanobots, cyber hoodlums, and near-future SF items. Pure genre fun. I also got enough outside readers of my first story with Rishi and Damien to find that, yes, indeed, having Rishi be female really works for folks more central on the spectrum. Something about high powered females is just... fun.

Plus, I got extra consulting in this week, which might be another trigger... all that 'gotta DO specific computer stuff' does seem awfully close, sometimes.

It amuses me that with all the writing I've been doing I've also been yearning to dye and paint. So today is Color Day until Jet gets home, then it's his birthday party. *laughs* He's having four boys over for an overnight. It should be fun. But I want to do Fat Sparrows again, and more chrysanthemums and mony's Hedgepiggy. My hands are all red and purple from some silk and wool I've dyed for fingerless gloves.

PLUS it's the brightest and biggest full moon of the year tonight! I hope everyone enjoys it.
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